I haven't posted in a while... but it seems time.
I have recently reconnected with many friends from my high school drama days, which has been a wonderful thing. Facebook is the medium through which we all have shared updates about our lives, looked at old photos and other memorabilia, and in some cases, met in person.
One of these meetings is what prompted my post today. One of these friends that I hadn't seen in 26 years has now come back into my life. We didn't date in school, we weren't "best friends"... he intimidated me, actually - he seemed to be much more grounded than I felt, seemed to have a better understanding of where he fit in everything, and he was wickedly smart with a dry sense of humor... but we were friends through working on shows together, sharing common interests and common friends... joined through circumstance in something that gave us joy. With those memories, we met and talked, and talked, and talked... LOL It was great. We have so much in common: books, movies, music, technology and so much more.
I found that I was no longer intimidated, but intrigued... and attracted. Being a flirt, I of course, flirted. I do that. He responded in kind, with a wicked imagination I was pleasantly surprised to discover. Finally, I made a blatant overture... made it clear that there was an attraction, but that friendship was the most important. Lo and behold, he agreed...and expressed mutual attraction, with the caveat that it go slow. I was pleased and agreeable to this, having had so much upheaval over the last couple of years.
More conversations, seeing each other again, and I now discover that I have... butterflies. It's been so long since they made their way into my stomach, I almost forgot what they were. That feeling of anticipation; that smile that makes its way to my lips with no warning; the unexpected thoughts that arise; they all contribute to this feeling of ...butterflies.
Butterflies are delicate, beautiful and engender protective feelings. Therefore, I am cautious. I see what could be serious potential for the first time in a long, long time. And, that makes me step back, pick up my jaw and want to tread very, very carefully. I feel protective over this potential... not wanting to breathe too hard lest I overwhelm the spark and extinguish the fire. And most importantly, not wanting to do any damage to such a delicate thing. It needs to grow at its own pace, without pressure or purposeful acceleration. It is hard to control the excitement, the giddy feeling - the joy of actually feeling hopeful after such a long spell of not.
I find that I feel... as if I'm allowing myself the opportunity TO feel. Emotions have been tamped down, cowering in the corner afraid of being exposed or taken advantage of... doled out in small portions to those that break through thin layers of the larger shell. Now, those emotions are very close to the surface, which is good and bad. Good because I'm feeling them. Bad because it can be embarassing to find that my eyes tear up when receiving a sweet email, or finding out that parents are being told about our "official" first date... and finding myself having those conversations with my father and closest friends. It's scary... and wonderful... and uncertain...and so unbelievably nice. :)
So, I take a deep breath, my head full of images and moments shared... and I smile as I cultivate... butterflies.
