The events of the last week bring me to this place...a place of questioning mortality, the importance and order of the things in my life, and the fear of total upheaval certain events would undoubtedly create. So... my father was hospitalized last week (my heartfelt thanks to those that prayed, called and listened) after having trouble breathing when walking to his truck at a client site. He'd just gotten a signature on a substantial order, so he was in good spirits... but he'd been feeling odd for a couple of days and when he couldn't get his breath, he called his cardiologist. The Doc instructed him to go straight to the emergency room, which he did.
He called me to let me know - scared the devil out of me, but he was talking, so that was a good sign. They were looking at his heart, and were admitting him overnight. His main concern, of course, was my mother. The disease that has taken over her brain (Alzheimer's) has progressed at a truly alarming pace. That can be seen as either a blessing or a curse, depending on the mood, time of day and direction of the wind.
I did as we had planned months ago... went to the house, took care of my mother... took her to the hospital to see my dad, took her to dinner, spent the night with her, etc. She can't be left alone anymore, and can't function on her own. And, this was the first time that she didn't know who I was right away. She's lost the ability to associate me to my name... I am simply "the youngest daughter". Other than that, all went according to plan...almost.
My plan is slightly different than my Dad's I'm sure. I discovered how utterly unprepared I was to face the loss of either of them, and moreso the loss of him in my life. Completely selfish... we have a relationship that has, in the last year, just become what I always hoped it would be. I'm not ready to lose that yet. The part that clenches my gut, however, is the thought of being left alone to deal with my mother. Oh, I'm capable of doing what needs to be done, though I don't feel up to the task. I know I would follow my father's wishes to the letter, no matter the emotional cost... that's what you do for your parents.
Oh, but wait... I'm one of three children, and neither of the other two are doing anything. One can't - he's too far away, and has been gone and out of touch too long - I accept that, and understand. I have no expectation there. But, my sister... well, she lives within a few miles of my parents and I, and refuses to be involved. Now, that makes me angry. I should be an adult and not let it get to me... she is the one that will be hurt by her disassociation the most... but in that moment of realizing what the loss of my father at this point in time would mean, I resented her more than I ever thought possible. And then, in that next breath, I realized fully what my father is having to deal with every day of his life. I'm still removed from it in comparison.
How incredibly small I felt... the size of the burden grew to immense proportions, engorged with my fear of not being up to the task... and I wondered how my father does it. There's only so much that I can do to ease his heart and mind... but I'll do it if I can. He must fight that same immense battle every day he draws breath.
I am as prepared as I can be to deal with the loss of my mother... she's the one who is sick, and I've made peace with that, to a point. My dad? Well, no, he's not supposed to be the first to go. Thankfully, that wasn't something I had to face in reality.
But... it definitely makes me look again at priorities. How much time do any of us have, really, and what do we want to do with that time? Who HASN'T asked that question? I wish I had an easy answer. Right now, I am simply thankful to have more time to figure it out with both my parents living.
