Impact

In what will be my last post for 2009, I contemplate our impact on others.  As I go through the process of reconnecting with so many people from my past, (this is certainly not a unique experience to me - it just happens to be my blog, so if you've been reading for a while, you know: it's all about me, me, me, me, me!!  MY narcissistic little universe... MY blog!!)  I am seeing and hearing so many examples of realized effect.  Phrases like:  "He talked about you all the time", "She was my best friend in high school", "You were the only [one] that talked to me", "You made me laugh so hard", "What a cool guy", "I was so lost after that", "I always thought it was my fault", "We were family". 

Not all of those were said about or by me... these are things I've heard from and about others as well.  These are things, even after 25+ years, people remembered.  These were moments in time whose effect has endured decades of additional sensory input and still maintained clarity. 

I'm referencing moments during formative years, at an age where intensity is amplified.  We were all experiencing the migration from childhood to early adulthood, trying to figure everything out.  We were so mature in our own minds, yet so naive in the scope of the world.  Truthfully, there are moments in the present when I discover how naive I still can be (as impossible as that sounds to those that know me well).   

The question was asked last night, in a gathering of these friends:  If you could go back to those years, with the full knowledge you have today, would you do things differently?  This is not a new question, certainly.  I answered immediately, "Yes".  But I have to ask (now that I've thought about it and had some unhappy dreams about the alternate reality that would have been the result):  Would you change who you are today?   Even though we made choices we may regret... even though we chose inaction over action... even when we lived with knowledge we might have been better off sharing... who would we be today if we had not made those choices?  What lessons would we have missed learning that make us who we are now?  Would the changes have erased pain?  Would our lives be better for them? 

I would say that we would just have different pain, different problems to address, different joys to celebrate... it could be better or worse.  But, we would not be the same without those impactful moments in time the way they happened, and with whom they occurred.  And truly, I would not sacrifice the moments of my life today, the joy and the pain of them, to chase a "what if" of 25 years ago.   That's not an easy thing to say, believe me, because like everyone else, I've had some bad things happen in my life.  To be able to go back in time and change a moment of inaction into a moment of action... but who's to say that I wouldn't have ended up hurt far worse?  It makes my brain hurt to contemplate it all. 

Further, since I feel good about my life as it is today, sacrificing the friendship of any of these people as they are now... no.  I can't say that I'd do it.  Though I wish that none of us had to experience the painful things we've lived through, those events have made us better able to deal with what lies ahead, to appreciate what we are rediscovering, and to make sure that we understand the lesson for the future.  That's really what this is about.

Now that we see what impact we can and have had, it is time to realize it, understand it and do something about it.  It's the common lesson this year:  Don't waste time.  Don't ignore what is in front of you, jumping up and down and waving its arms, because you are afraid to face it.  Reach out...  Connect...  Communicate...  Consider...  Act...  Accept...  Allow...  Feel. 

Each of these words fall on me like blows to the gut when I think of the time and opportunity missed. When I think of my lack of understanding, and see that same lack of comprehension in others.  Understand that you have impact.  That's not egotistical, it's TRUE.  It's not always positive impact, but one can change that. 

If you are a good person, you probably have a strong, positive impact on those around you, even though you're not consciously trying to do anything.   Don't allow yourself to be ignorant of it, because you are likely missing out on a meaningful exchange if you don't SEE what's going on.  Pay attention, damn it.  Do not undervalue the relationships you have by underestimating your own impact on others... good or bad.  One harsh word can have just as much impact as one loving word.  A LACK of communication can be ten times worse than a truth that might be painful to hear. 

The point is - if someone does something that moves you - tell them.  If you are told about one of these impactful moments that you have caused - understand that the person communicating it has been emotionally impacted, and needs to let you know what it (you) meant to them.  Accept it for what it is... don't brush if off as no big deal, because you are then telling them that what they considered meaningful is meaningless.  Just as we would want to apologize for a wrong, we need to understand that it is equally important to recognize what we've done RIGHT, when brought to our attention.  It is validation of the path that we follow, and notification when we falter on the path.

The last bit on the soap box, since that seems to be where I'm standing:  strive to have more positive impact than negative.  Consider what is coming out of your mouth, and how it might affect those around you.  Try to make choices whose end result is a happy one... think about the effect your actions can have.  If you choose to take it further... think about how the impact you have can include others, to help on a broader scale.

I feel like I've just lectured the blogosphere.  How horrid - I'm a nagging mother on the internet.  I sort of apologize - I really just can't shut up on this - it's too important. 

These lessons are being repeated, and are hitting so hard every time I come in contact with more people from my past.  We took those times for granted, not understanding what they would mean.  I don't want the lesson to be ignored this time around, because we are no longer too young/too foolish/too distracted to allow it to happen.  I would hate to wake up in another 20 years and realize that we let the time go by once again without realizing the potential of these friendships, and their impact in our lives. 

Resolve

How was your resolve this year?

I look back at the eve of 2009, and the things I promised myself I would accomplish this year.  In large part, I think I've done well, but I didn't set the bar too high, honestly.  I promised to be a better daughter to my parents - to my mother through her illness, and to my father as he dealt with it.  I said everything I needed to say to my mother before her death, though I doubt she understood any of it.  I stayed by her side through her final hours, with my dad, as we went through the painful ordeal of watching...waiting... and letting her go.  While I'm sure I can always be better, I've definitely spent more time (more QUALITY time) with my father, and our relationship is stronger than it's ever been.  I have to accept that we are two very different people that will never see eye to eye on some subjects, and he is working to do the same.  It's harder for him, of course.  As a parent, he wishes things for me that I do not wish for myself in the same way.  I understand this completely, but I won't change just to make him happy... as he won't just to make me happy.  We have to learn to appreciate each other in spite of our differences.  

I also made the decision to open myself to love, should the possibility arise.  I had all but written that off... finding attraction in impossible situations (where the person in whom I saw potential would never love me in return), or discovering that there just aren't very many men that fit the "list" of qualities that I consider must-haves for a relationship... and then, to my surprise, I rediscovered someone.  A friend.  To my greater surprise, he became more than a friend.  How it will eventually turn out, I can't say... but I stuck by my decision, and have opened myself to its full potential.  I have hope... I am very, very happy... and wherever this takes me I will go and not hold back.    It's a very freeing thing, while being unbelievably scary... allowing that much vulnerability and placing that much trust is incredibly hard for me, but it's the only way I can find out if what I think could be, will be.  I am trying to live in the moment (which is also hard on my Aries brain), and to let things happen as they will... and also know that whatever should come of this, I have rediscovered a friend that I will cherish for the rest of my life, who has made my life better from knowing him.  I try not to drive myself crazy with thoughts of "what if, when, how, will he, will we, can I"... and I'm partially successful... at weak moments, the damned thoughts sneak in and I have to beat them with a cudgel to put them back in their insecure, control-seeking place... but overall, I'm not doing too badly.   

And now we have the eve of 2010 approaching at the speed of sound... as the first hour of the new year looms, I feel a pluck on the string of time... the vibrations sending us forward, carrying us through the melody in the symphony of our future lives. 

Since I have become much more introspective this year, I ask the question I suppose everyone else does, though in a different way:  What melody do I wish to play, and how do I ensure that I'm playing the right notes?  I think of the movie Amadeus, and the moment at which Mozart is told by the King that his composition has "too many notes".  "Just cut a few and it will be perfect." 

I look at the last year or two, and realize that I packed my life with so many things that I was avoiding living that life to its fullest.  I was missing out on some of the most important things:  relationships, friends, family, moments.  Dancing 6 - 7 days a week, working full time, doing websites, catering on occasion... where was the time for me to actually live my life?  I didn't feel like I had much of one - or not the one I wanted. I distracted myself with activity, filling the gap with so much to do that I couldn't think about what was lacking.  I would have said, like Mozart in Amadeus, that I had neither too many nor too few notes - I had exactly as many as I required.  But, that was as many as was required for continued distraction.

This leads me to my 2010 resolutions.  More a theme of my resolve, actually.

There still is so much on the horizon... so much to do... so much to accomplish.  I tend to find myself in a snowball effect of activity - one thing leads to another, then another "thing" I hadn't thought of becomes necessary... then someone comes along with a project that's related and I get into that, too... before I know it I'm under a huge snowball that belongs at the bottom of a snowman... my life becomes a whole bunch of snowman ass.  So, this year I will take great pains to:

1.  Keep it simple - don't add too many notes. 
2.  Maintain a state of happiness... do things that lead to happiness and fulfillment instead of conflict, difficulty or stress.  (this applies to me and how I deal with those around me)
3.  Appreciate the gifts that have enriched my life.
4.  Love...unreservedly, fearlessly, wholeheartedly and generously.

If I can build this melody over the next year, I believe the greater symphony being composed will be a beautiful one... rich, deep, meaningful and lasting.

Happy New Year all... feel free to share your own resolutions... I'd love to hear them!

Giving

It's that time of year again, and Christmas is two days away.  I've braved the retail mayhem and come out on the other side, my wallet thinner, but I'm perfectly ok with that.

Today's topic is all about giving.  I think that it's taking a different direction for me this year, as is everything else.  I look around me and see so many people I know in some sort of difficulty.   We've lost family, friends, health, marriages, jobs, homes... many have lost more intangible things - hope, faith, comfort and security.  Seeing people go through these situations has impact, unless you are oblivious to the state of the world around you.  I am certainly impacted, by some things more directly than others, and while I want to do something for everyone, I can't. 

I'll be the first to say that I love to give gifts.  I like to see that smile when someone receives something unexpected that they really like and didn't even know they wanted.   Or, to see them get exactly the thing they'd been hoping for most.  It's not anything more than that - to make someone I care about happy, or do something that makes that moment in life a good one.  If it's something that helps them, all the better.  Sometimes gifts are just frivolous, and sometimes they stem from need. 

This year, both apply.  My Aunt, about whom I've spoken before, is back in the hospital.  This is a continuing thing, and a cycle that will repeat until it simply can't anymore.  I wanted to do something special for her this year, because she has been such a huge influence in my life, and so special to all of us.  I thought about how dreary it is in a hospital - and how little there is to do.  She watches tv, she does have a book to read... but there is a need for something more.  So, I went and got her an iPod Nano and a speaker dock.  I'm going to load it with all of her favorite music, create playlists for her and take it to her in the hospital the day after Christmas.  It's a little thing, really, but it will bring her so much pleasure.  She loves music, and I know that I would go crazy being cooped up for so long without any music to distract me. 

This is also the first Christmas my boyfriend and I are sharing, so there is some significance there.  I'm not trying to create pressure... it just seems that everything to do with him has become significant for me.  I've chosen gifts for him with care... and there is one that I chose (had commissioned, actually) for specific reasons, which I hope he'll like.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed. 

My son - well, he's going to be spoiled, but he's also going to be so shocked.  I can't WAIT to see him open his present.  :)   My father, for whom it is terribly hard to shop , has things waiting on him that he will enjoy and find useful.

Being able to do these things is wonderful, and I love doing it.  But more than anything, I look around and realize how incredibly fortunate I am.  I have comfort, security, health... I am working, have a roof over my head and enough income to afford all the necessities.  I'm not struggling like so many others are. 

I don't think it matters how much I give in gifts, time or money... I don't feel like it's ever enough.  I feel like there's always something more I could or should have done.  This year, I've concentrated on those closest to me... where there are those that have lost, and have need... and some that will simply get a smile from a surprise they never guessed they'd receive. 

I only wish I could give the most important gifts of all... good health to my aunt; an easing of burdens for my cousin; peace to my father; a sense of purpose to my son; the end of financial difficulty for a dear friend; and for the man that I love... well, I will encapsulate several thoughts into one word only:  renewal.

With that, I wish you all the happiest of Holidays, and hope that you all share in the joy of giving in whatever manner you choose to engage in it.

Love

It's an interesting set of questions to ask at this stage of my life, but I ask it of the blogosphere... How do you define love? What does it mean to you? How do you know you're in it?

Now, this is all beyond the point of establishing compatibility. You know - the basic requirements versus deal breakers. That's step one in the new relationship potential manual. :) Is this a good person, do you share common interests, can you communicate well, do you have that basic level of attraction, do you share similar values, etc. That all happens before any of the questions of love come up, and is a part of the friendship upon which deeper emotion is built. It's the foundation that holds everything together when life gets difficult and you're not doing such a great job of being a partner - it happens. That human thing does get in the way. We all have moments when we're not as attentive, don't express appreciation or understanding enough, aren't patient, don't see the other's point of view... it's not so much that we have those moments, but how they're dealt with that matters. Communication. :)

So - If you look the word love up in a dictionary (or other preferred source), you might see something like this: a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

If you look at what some psychologists suggest, they put a trianglular theory forward: Intimacy/Commitment/Passion; Attachment/Caring/Intimacy.


If you wish to get Biblical, then 1 Corinthians gives the Apostle Paul's feelings on the subject, which we hear often: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres."


I would have to say that my own definition falls in the first two areas. While the Apostle Paul's words are lovely, they are more geared toward the concept of Agape than Eros. This is just my opinion, but I offer this as substantive explanation of that opinion: Love is a human emotion, and therefore is as imperfect as those of us that encounter it in our lives.

The biblical verse lends itself much more toward a perfect spiritual love than a real interpersonal one. The sentiment is noble, and is certainly what we hope for, but it is (I think) unrealistic at the human level. Love is not in and of itself anything other than emotion - that verse gives it sentient qualities, which to me... exemplifies the concept of (religious) Agape more than Eros.


I noticed that the common thread between the psychologist's versions is Intimacy. I think this is a key factor in the love equation along with trust... and I would submit that intimacy would not exist without trust, but I think it's interesting that it is NOT listed in either of those triangular theories. This goes beyond physical intimacy... it is no secret that we can be physically intimate with someone we do not love - but the QUALITY of that intimacy is on a completely different scale.


The ability to be mentally and emotionally intimate is more important (to me) than the physical connection, though the physical manifestation of mental/emotional affinity is an incredibly special thing. To feel a level of comfort and trust that allows you to share your deepest thoughts and feelings with someone else... you are making yourself vulnerable to someone you are attracted to... ooo, that's scary. It means more. It counts more. And, when that part is present, it amplifies physical passion... to 11. (Spinal Tap reference, for those unfamiliar... it's one louder) This is something I have recently discovered, and didn't even realize was missing in the past... but it is so evident now that I can't ignore it.


Caring... that's a big one. Such a simple word, with such complex ideas. My focus shifts when I care deeply about someone. All of a sudden, the thought pattern shifts from what I want to what he wants or what would make him happy. Not that I don't consider myself in the equation - I'm human, for crying out loud... but when I start thinking about the other person first, placing their happiness ahead of what I might prefer in certain situations... it's an indicator. I notice that I have proactive thoughts of what could I do for the other person to make them more comfortable, happy, relaxed... whatever it might be... it comes down to consideration for their physical and emotional well-being. There is also the consideration of what impact my actions could have. I think more carefully about what I say and how I say it. I think about whether or not I've expressed appreciation for the things done for me. How long has it been since I've communicated how special that person makes me feel, how happy I am that they are in my life, etc. The question arises: "Am I taking him for granted?" The answer: make damn sure the answer to that question is "no". If you suspect it's anything other than no, do something about it.


Attachment/Commitment... I think these are going to be grouped together. There's such a fine line between dependency/obsession and love sometimes. I define love more along the line of WANTING that person in my life, as opposed to NEEDING that person in my life. While I don't buy the "soul mate" idea, I do know that when I love someone my life feels more full and complete with their presence in it. I want to be with them as much as I can be, simply because of the joy I feel in their company... whether we're talking, watching a movie, walking hand in hand, working on a project, exercising, or just engaged in some mundane task... it's richer in the doing because of their presence. The shared jokes that no one else gets... those moments when our eyes connect and something is exchanged... the unbelievable feeling of warmth and contentment when in an embrace... the desire to make that person as much a part of my life as possible... and knowing that I would do whatever I could to sustain that bliss for an infinite amount of time... those things help define my level of attachment and commitment.


Acceptance.... this is never mentioned, and is a big one in my book. The knowledge that relationships are not easy and takes work is always there... but knowing at some deep level that a life with that person is worth working through the difficulties, facing the challenges and talking through the most uncomfortable situations... and accepting that neither of you is perfect, that you both will change over time and that you WILL disagree (but that you can agree to do so) is also an important component of loving someone. I still have what I consider to be a bit of a romantic notion: that a really good relationship shouldn't HAVE to be hard work. I don't know if that's true or not... I am hoping that it is the case (and so far it is, I have to say), but it takes a few years to know that for sure, so check back with me and I'll let you know. :)


Then there's all of that gushy, intangible stuff... does my heart beat faster when he's on my mind, or when I see him look my way; do I miss him 10 minutes after we parted; does the thought of him during the day distract me too often (LOL).

The question for me through all of this: because I have been in love before and it was very different, is the difference in my own level of maturity and experience, or is it all about the person that has engendered the feeling? Or, is it a combination of both?

My behavior is different because of maturity and experience - the lessons I learned in the past have helped me understand how to make a relationship better (or how to be a better partner IN a relationship). That's different than the feeling itself, which I think has to be because of the person. I certainly am allowing myself to be more open, having thrown caution to the wind and just giving myself to the possibility - and that required a level of trust I don't think I've ever felt before. I'm told that it's all in MY head, but I will continue to debate that... it's rather a chicken and egg scenario - were the person not who he is, I wouldn't have allowed myself to be that open. That debate will undoubtedly continue, much to my amusement.

Then, there's one last take on this whole love thing... that it's just a gut feeling. You either are in it or you're not. You feel it... or you don't. You know it if you are... and if you don't know it, you aren't there. If you think of life without that person and your insides clench up and it hurts to consider it... well, that probably says quite a lot. If it doesn't choke you up... that says something too. If your thoughts automatically include that person as an intimate part of your life 20 years down the road... well, that's another indicator of a yes.

Perhaps this is all over analyzing the whole thing... but often, that's what I do. And, that's why I come out here and do it instead of making my friends crazy in long conversations. They don't HAVE to read this, and anyone can browse away from the post as their way of saying "SHUT UP!!". LOL

If you've made it this far - thanks for reading. ;-) And please feel free to say what you would add or remove from the list, and answer those first three questions in your own way.

Butterflies

I haven't posted in a while... but it seems time.

I have recently reconnected with many friends from my high school drama days, which has been a wonderful thing. Facebook is the medium through which we all have shared updates about our lives, looked at old photos and other memorabilia, and in some cases, met in person.

One of these meetings is what prompted my post today. One of these friends that I hadn't seen in 26 years has now come back into my life. We didn't date in school, we weren't "best friends"... he intimidated me, actually - he seemed to be much more grounded than I felt, seemed to have a better understanding of where he fit in everything, and he was wickedly smart with a dry sense of humor... but we were friends through working on shows together, sharing common interests and common friends... joined through circumstance in something that gave us joy. With those memories, we met and talked, and talked, and talked... LOL It was great. We have so much in common: books, movies, music, technology and so much more.

I found that I was no longer intimidated, but intrigued... and attracted. Being a flirt, I of course, flirted. I do that. He responded in kind, with a wicked imagination I was pleasantly surprised to discover. Finally, I made a blatant overture... made it clear that there was an attraction, but that friendship was the most important. Lo and behold, he agreed...and expressed mutual attraction, with the caveat that it go slow. I was pleased and agreeable to this, having had so much upheaval over the last couple of years.

More conversations, seeing each other again, and I now discover that I have... butterflies. It's been so long since they made their way into my stomach, I almost forgot what they were. That feeling of anticipation; that smile that makes its way to my lips with no warning; the unexpected thoughts that arise; they all contribute to this feeling of ...butterflies.

Butterflies are delicate, beautiful and engender protective feelings. Therefore, I am cautious. I see what could be serious potential for the first time in a long, long time. And, that makes me step back, pick up my jaw and want to tread very, very carefully. I feel protective over this potential... not wanting to breathe too hard lest I overwhelm the spark and extinguish the fire. And most importantly, not wanting to do any damage to such a delicate thing. It needs to grow at its own pace, without pressure or purposeful acceleration. It is hard to control the excitement, the giddy feeling - the joy of actually feeling hopeful after such a long spell of not.

I find that I feel... as if I'm allowing myself the opportunity TO feel. Emotions have been tamped down, cowering in the corner afraid of being exposed or taken advantage of... doled out in small portions to those that break through thin layers of the larger shell. Now, those emotions are very close to the surface, which is good and bad. Good because I'm feeling them. Bad because it can be embarassing to find that my eyes tear up when receiving a sweet email, or finding out that parents are being told about our "official" first date... and finding myself having those conversations with my father and closest friends. It's scary... and wonderful... and uncertain...and so unbelievably nice. :)

So, I take a deep breath, my head full of images and moments shared... and I smile as I cultivate... butterflies.

A legacy of books...

I spent Saturday morning with my father. First we had breakfast, then we went back to his house to continue the process of cleaning and reorganizing things to fit his life as it is now, his status that of a widower.

When my mother passed in February, there was so much to do. She had been in a long term care facility for 6 months, and the first consideration was getting her belongings back home, getting the house presentable for the visitors after the service, and getting through the first few weeks without her in our lives.Now, we've begun the process of cleaning out the house, including her belongings. It's an important process for my father (and for me, I suppose) in putting things into perspective. I cherish the jewelry of hers that my father gave me... things she had been very vocal about wanting me to have that had such great value to her. Today, however, I was in the middle of what she considered her greatest legacy... her books.

My mother was a voracious reader... we shared that hunger for words... for knowledge... for a fantastic escape from the mundane by losing ourselves between the pages of a book, no matter the genre.My father needed to clean out the office so that he could have more room to work. He's not a reader like my mother and I... he reads what he must, but not for pleasure. So, he asked me to come over and start packing books, taking what I wanted immediately, and preparing the rest for storage until I had the shelves up to display them all.

I knew my mother had a lot of books. For years they were stacked two high and two deep on every available shelf. Hard cover, paperback... you name it. Today, I was stunned at how large that library really was. I packed 10 large boxes (the weight just on the edge of what I could carry) of books today, and that wasn't even a third of what was there. I've brought two boxes home, containing those most precious to me, that I think I can fit into my own overflowing bookcases. I will have to buy many more bookcases to hold this legacy.

I realized that you really learn a lot about someone when you go through their library. You learn what they think about... what they enjoy... what piques their interest... and sometimes what horrifies them. You learn a bit about how their mind works, and you learn what you have in common with them. It was an exercise of remembering my mother in a different way... one more poignant in some respects than I have experienced thus far. Going through her life of collected books made me remember so many discussions... things we talked about for hours.

As I packed box after box... every novel ever written by Tom Clancy, John Grisham, James Patterson, James Clavell, Wilbur Smith, Ayn Rand, Dean Koontz, Louis L'Amour, Irving Wallace, James Michener, Jeffrey Archer... oh my word, the list goes on and on... political thrillers, murder mysteries, religion, philosophy, history, romance, biographies, spy novels, westerns, poetry, comedy... I was inundated with author after author... my head was swimming by the time I'd emptied the third shelf. I was looking at fiction, non-fiction... she wasn't a big fan of sci-fi.. that's where my bookcases take over.

I was looking at series of books that had 50 titles for each author... and she collected every last one of them. Throwing a book away is a sin paramount to murder in my home, and I learned that from my mother. I found old books... "Sonnets from the Portugese"... a first edition hardcover; "Constantine"... also a first edition hardcover... and some odd discoveries... the Book of Mormon (my mother wasn't Mormon) being one. My description of these discoveries is as random and frenetic as the actual event.

I don't know how to describe the feelings I went through as I looked at all these books... it was such a huge range of emotion. Overall, it was positive. I recognized a new way to keep my mother with me, to remember her in the pages of those books, knowing that she too enjoyed every quiet moment lost in those fictional stories or intrigued by the history and ideas presented in each non-fiction selection... and I look forward to blending the past with the present, and adding more in the future. I won't be the old cat lady in the neighborhood, I'll be the book lady... many of my friends on shelves surrounding me, characters I've grown to love over the years... enemies I've learned to despise because of their actions... heroes I admire more than I could ever express... and sorrow at loss so keenly described between the covers.

And, when I find the next house in which I must live, you can bet that there will be an entire room lined with bookcases to hold the ever-expanding collection; and they will be catalogued as they are placed alphabetically, by author, on the shelves. :)

Thank you Mother, for your legacy of books.