Dreams

I have been pondering dreams. Maybe one day I'll narrow scope on some of these subjects to make things easier on myself, but today obviously isn't that day. I don't mean sleeping dreams in this... I mean the definition related to an aspiration... the realization of something one wants. It may seem out of reach, but is something profoundly desired.

I have had many dreams in my life. The first was that of a music career. I spent years learning to play several instruments, training my singing voice... all with the hope of that elusive "recording contract" that would take me to stardom. As things go, I was thrown a few curve balls that interrupted that dream. In the end, I understood that my dream was more the ability to play music... sing songs... than it was the actual professional career of it. I played with bands, played the clubs, actually recorded some original tracks in the studio... and then a bad first manager and the understanding of what the music business can really be taught me some lessons. There came a time when I realized that it was time to put aside that dream... or accept an alteration of it... because it no longer fit in the construct of my life. As it has turned out, I have the ability to compose, play or sing as I choose... when I choose... and for whom I choose. I don't take the time to do it often enough, but I'm not unhappy with the choice I made.

My mother, on the other hand, did not have the same sense of peace about leaving her dream behind. She wanted to be a singer, but didn't quite have the pipes... did some modeling, but didn't have the height. However, she never let go of those dreams. She lived hers vicariously through me for a long time, not one of those militant stage moms, but definitely one that would not hesitate to take an opportunity for me to perform anytime, anywhere. Even today, as her mind is slipping away from us, she will still ask if I want her to teach me how to put on makeup... a kickback from her modeling days. It was something that never left her... she felt that her life was interrupted by marriage and children, and that she was unfulfilled because she didn't live her dream. She always had the attitude of "I Could Have Been".

As a child, I always wanted to be a dancer. I watched the ballerinas and thought they were beautiful... loved their grace, their fluidity, their apparent ease of motion. As I got older, I learned about modern and jazz dance, and loved the energy... saw Bob Fosse's work and loved the sensuality of it. I absorbed and reveled in every form of dance I saw... tap, ballroom, bellydance, flamenco, Irish... the very idea of dance appealed to my music-driven soul, because I could see the ability to express myself through music. But, I was not built like a dancer, had not done it.. that was a dream beyond my ability to grasp... or was it? Since then, that is a fully realized dream. I've been dancing for 18 years (OMG - it's really been that long), mostly Middle Eastern, then Israeli, then ballet, now salsa... with more coming. I still want to try Flamenco really, really badly! I can't make a living at it yet, but I do make a fair bit of money from it.

I loved to cook as a kid as well. As I found myself being a stay at home mom trying to save money, I discovered that I seem to cook well. People complimented my cooking regularly, and the food became the center of conversation at parties. When the food was served, the room got quiet... people were too busy eating (with an occasional appreciative moan or groan) to talk. Gotta love that, right? It was suggested that I consider that as a way to make money... and up springs The King's Table, my catering business. Another dream realized.

Now, in the last couple of years, I've felt a professional restlessness. I enjoy technology, but I often can't abide the way businesses are run... poor, thoughtless decisions being made... employees overworked and being taken advantage of... customer service becoming a lost art... nothing positive being done, no impact being made. My creative endeavors are growing... taking more focus... and I'm feeling like I'm wasting precious time not fully utilizing those talents. However, there are bills to pay, so a full time job is necessary to bring the cash in to pay them.

As things were getting worse at work and my frustrations were mounting, an idea was born. It's also how this blog was born, in its original form. A multicultural center for the arts, downtown. Theatre, Art, Food, Dance, Music... all together in one place, with a great concept. Long story short... while the concept was good, I couldn't raise the money to make it happen. I was a nobody with a great idea, but no real history or trail of success to make anyone confident enough to invest that much money. So, the question became, and one of the points of this overly long blog post... is this a dream to give up? I've modified my approach to achieving the dream by concentrating on different aspects separate from the original idea. The hope is that I can get my name known well enough that I might have a better shot at getting investors.

But... how long do you give a dream? Is there a time limit? Is there a realization that it will just never happen and it's time to throw in the towel? Is passion (there's that word again), determination and willpower enough to see it through? Is patience really a virtue??

I'm stubborn. Hard headed. Can be incredibly focused. Tunnel vision is, sometimes, my nemesis. I don't like to let go. So... when I'm facing a dream that I want badly to be realized... when is enough enough? I've been fortunate in my life and realized more than one dream I had. This has taught me that all is within reach, given the perseverence, dedication and drive to make it happen. But, I'm a reasonably intelligent woman and I understand that some things are out of my control. I can't make this world a perfect one in which all of my dreams come true. Sometimes, I will lose... or I will have to settle for less than I want.

That's not intrinsically bad... but it does teach a lesson. And that's what life is about, right? Learning lessons through which we can evolve.

My nature says... if you have a dream within reach, don't let it slip away if it is important to you. Fight for it, make it happen. Life is too short to waste a moment of happiness...whatever the reason for denying yourself that fulfillment, in the end, you are left with regret if you waste opportunities.

I'm sure you can guess what the answer to my own questions are... you give it as long as it takes. There's no time limit... and though you may reach a point where it's obvious that you've done all you can do and still can't make that dream come true, life may throw you a curve ball that makes all things possible. Patience as a virtue... I hate that saying... I'm not terribly patient (though some friends seem to think I'm incredibly so - go figure), and I can't answer that question... it is a virtue I lack.

Passion... perseverence... determination... dedication... willpower... focus... drive... ambition... all powerful words, all a part of my mindset... whether or not they will be enough? Time will tell.

Beauty

Another complicated subject, because the picture of it is different for everyone. But, it's been on my mind at a personal level because of all the changes in my life... losing weight, getting in shape, aging, blah, blah, blah...

Do any of us really consider ourselves beautiful? There are many kinds of beauty... physical, mental, spiritual... innocent, sensual, raw... one quality can overshadow others and based on an individual's perception, everyone is beautiful to someone else that values that quality. We may not value that quality in ourselves, or even notice it's there... but someone will.

Physical beauty is the one that is the most easily recognized, of course, and what most often sets flame to the spark. Not always though... sometimes it's a voice... a turn of phrase... a clever response... a funny joke... and then the physical follows. When meeting someone in today's technology driven world, it might be through email, on the phone (that archaic device), or in a way that doesn't allow you to see them first. Not that this is a new phenomenon... people have been attracted to each other over the phone for a long time - that's how my parents met, actually. My father heard my mom's voice on the phone (she was a receptionist at the time), and made a point to meet her when he had to go into the office where she worked, because her voice was sexy. I wonder if that's why I'm so keyed into voices? It's genetic... who knew??

Anyway - back to the dang point. As I've been going through these physical changes, I notice the difference in the way I'm treated, as well as the way I feel. I still firmly believe that what you project is how people will perceive you. I felt horrible before I lost this weight... it didn't matter what anyone else thought, because I hated the way I looked. I didn't want to look in the mirror, didn't want to have to buy clothes, stopped buying lingerie for anything but pedestrian necessity (which had me missing out on huge fun, damn it, because it makes me feel good!). While people didn't treat me horribly, they didn't go out of their way to be friendly, either. I was... overlooked... by those that weren't already friends. They responded to my intelligence or wit, but it was different.

Now, I will go on record as saying that I've never considered myself a beauty. I try (now) to look my best, and sometimes I do pretty well... but I've never looked in the mirror and thought, "My God, you look gorgeous". The very idea makes me laugh. Of course, like just about every woman, I love the fantasy of a man being so gaga over me that he thinks I'm the sexiest, most beautiful woman walking, will go to inordinate lengths to romance me (room full of roses kind of romance, you know?)... but I think I'd proabably fall over if it ever happened. I'm not that kind of Audrey Hepburn, Marilyn Monroe beauty that inspires that kind of behavior, y'know?? I've learned over time that things like that just don't happen in real life to the average woman, by the average man. It's a shame, really... a lot of marriages would probably be different if a few above average things like that happened - but I also think it takes two. One must give as good as one gets. A roomful of roses would certainly require a reciprocal event, equally special. But, I digress. My penchant for fantasy will get the better of me.

So, now, I'm feeling better about the way I look. I still have a ways to go before I think I look as good as I possibly can, but I'm definitely on my way. I'm noticing that other people are also picking up on that extra confidence, and responding to it. Sure, I'm getting more flirtatious comments passed my way... get more glances from the opposite sex (and a few from the same sex!)... but in general, I have opened up a little... become a bit more accessible... and others seem to respond in kind. I'm more comfortable in my own skin... so others are more comfortable seeing me in it.

When I tried to project that confidence before, it didn't come off as genuine... well, it wasn't, because I didn't feel it. I could project "Goddess", but only believed "Hag". People sense the disparity. There are times when people act well and project a false bravado... but if you talk to them for a few minutes, you can catch them at it. They overcompensate and end up seeming arrogant, cocky or insincere. More often, it's just insecurity.

Then, there are those that truly confuse me. Beauty inside and out that is completely unrecognized by the one who has it. They seem oblivious to their own impact on others, and the value they themselves have. You can tell them it's there, but chances are they won't believe you. It's not false modesty, either - that's also easily identified. All I can assume is that there have been so many years of conditioning: self doubt, negative input or unstated validation that the person never understands the truth of what others see in them... or what they themselves have to offer.

It's as if we, as a society, have made it more acceptable to wallow in our faults than to celebrate our assets. We've adopted some sort of aversion to feeling good about ourselves... what kind of crap is that??? I can't help but assume that it's in large part because of what we're fed every day through media and choose to believe... we won't buy beauty products unless we feel that we lack something requiring that product to make us perfect. As consumers, we're too fat, too thin, too old, too young, too lazy, too energetic, too lacking in general style to be the epitome of beauty, so we'd better keep trying until we get it right. GEEZ!!! No wonder women hate the way they look. It's not just women, either. Men go through the same struggles, they just don't get as many freaking magazines and commercials dedicated to it.

So, my goal? Not to be "beautiful" as a magazine describes it...that's a goal I can never achieve, no matter how hard I try... but to be the best me I can be, so that I like myself and can feel confident in my own body, mind and spirit. That's when I might be able to look in the mirror and say, "I'm beautiful". If others think so - that's great... but it has to start with me, or no one else will believe it.

So, how do you define beauty, and where do you feel you fit in to that definition? Talk amongst yourselves. ;-) That's what the comments option is for, y'know. You people are way too quiet.