My boyfriend and I went to visit his parents over the weekend, which is always a relaxing and enjoyable experience. I look forward to those visits. They live out in the country, about an hour away, so we usually will spend at least one night with them when we go out there. They are wonderful people (which makes sense, knowing their son), and have been warm and welcoming to my son and I at a level that truly surprised me. It doesn't surprise me as much now - they are, as I said, wonderful people.
His mom and I have a few things in common, and conversation is easy. We were all out on the back porch talking Saturday night (my boyfriend with his dad, and me with his mom), and the subject of marriage came up. It was my fault, I admit it... we were talking about wills, etc, which admittedly is an odd topic of conversation, but I mentioned that I didn't see myself getting married again. (A note: my boyfriend and I met in high school, but have only been dating 8 months. He's a "never-been-married" bachelor, and I've been married once, now single again.) When I said that, his mom gave me one of those mom looks that makes me stammer... you know the one. The eyebrows raise just a bit, and the penetrating stare comes out as if preparing to ask a very direct, personal question... and I say in a panic to forestall any further interrogation (motioning to my boyfriend talking to his father nearby), "Well, he doesn't want to get married". To which his mother replies, "You need to work on him, but don't tell him I said that".
Of course, with brilliant timing, all conversation with my boyfriend and his father had suddenly ceased as I blurted out my panicked statement, which of course sounded to my boyfriend as if I was blaming this entire lapse on him. Then, of course, he heard his mother's response, leaving him to inform her that yes, he'd heard that quite clearly. LOL After that brief moment, I set things straight, letting her know that we had discussed the idea of marriage, and neither of us was interested in that particular institution. I also told her that marriage wouldn't make her son more of a life partner than he already was... I'm committed to him and the future we will share, whatever that may bring.
As we climbed into bed, my boyfriend commented on the "interesting conversation" his mother and I were having... and damned if he didn't use his own mother's penetrating stare on me with that irresistable grin he also has. I told him the REST of the conversation to reassure him that I hadn't laid any blame at his feet with regard to our marital future, but he asked the key question: "Have you changed your mind?" Meaning, do I feel differently on the whole marriage question.
I told him that I wouldn't say that... but it prompted deeper thought. I know his feelings on the subject, and I have absolutely no disagreement on that score. I agree with him. I don't need a legal or religious body telling me what my union is or should be... the only ones dictating that should be me and my chosen. This morning, on my drive in to work, I heard a song that brought up all those romantic emotional thoughts I harbor on occasion, and the whole subject came back to my mind.
My first question to myself was: What is marriage to you/what does it really mean?
Because my curent relationship has made me redefine so much of what I think love is/can be/should be, I have to look at everything in the context of present time. What is past is past, and while I carry the lessons I learned and apply them to my life now, I can't let the past define my future. So, while I know what the traditional view of marriage is, I have to look at what I really feel.
I have to take all legal and religious constructs out of the view, because I would marry for neither reason. I would consider marriage for one reason, and one reason only: love. To me... NOW... that union is both a public and private substantiation of deeper feelings... it is more than is covered in the classic definition of a boyfriend/girlfriend, it is for two people that choose to live a lifetime together, and a promise to see through both the good and bad times with the understanding that it is all about the greater whole... a commitment to each other, and the love shared and desired through the time remaining to us in this life. The ceremony is in a public forum so that friends and family can express their support of that union, and the couple can have their love witnessed by those they care most about beyond their intimate relationship.
I started wondering - if I were to consider marriage again, is that even the right word? That whole "institution of marriage" crap is NOT what I ever want again. Even the terms "husband" and "wife"... the definitions (other than male and female partners in marriage) for the terms are as bad as the institution itself.
Husband: the master of the house or family.
Wife: a woman acting in a specified capacity.
The Husband definition is more acceptable to a man that the Wife definition is to a woman, I feel certain. But both fall so short of the whole. They place us in boxes of what we are to be, without considering who we are or what we may want... it impersonalizes one of the most personal, intimate expressions two people can share, which is just... wrong.
I struggle with one question, however. Would that formalized union change the way I feel about the person with whom it is shared? I hesitate to call it marriage, given the thoughts I've expressed, but right now it's the only term I've got.
I would have to say that I'm not sure yet. Would I love him differently were we "married"? That love is there, regardless, and while it will grow in depth over time, the love is based on who he is as a person, and how we relate to one another. Would a "marriage" change the fact that I love him? Nope. Would I love him differently? I can't answer that one.
The fact is that marriage over time has changed. It used to be that a woman didn't live with a man until they were married - and that wedding night had SIGNIFICANT impact on the way a man and woman felt about each other, because it completed a bond that (usually) hadn't yet been formed. In my case, that doesn't apply. The intimacy has been established. How would a formal union change that? I don't think it would. It would be an issue of knowing without any doubt that each of us are committed to one another and our future to a point that we're willing to share it with everyone we know, and include them in a symbolic affirmation and celebration of that fact.
Is it required? Well, obviously not. I can live with the man I love for as long as we choose to stay together, whether that's 2 years or 20 (or more). I will always do my best to make sure that he knows he's loved, treasured and appreciated... no ceremony can tell him that more than I can by my actions every day, and vice versa.
After dating for only 8 months, I CAN say it's too soon to tackle this question seriously. This relationship is so unusual - even though we've been dating a short time, the fact that we knew each other before seems to skew time... it feels like we've been together a lot longer than 8 months. Occasionally something will come up that reminds us... oh yeah, it's only been 8 MONTHS, for crying out loud. LOL Having so much in common, thinking alike on so many things... well, it just seems too bloody easy sometimes. It's kind of scary, in a good way. But time is required... how about we let this relationship grow for a while before we discuss anything like marriage?? :)
But darn his mom for bringing it up and making me examine the whole thing. ;-) I am a traditionalist enough to know that I wouldn't be the one initiating any kind of proposal... and that makes me question myself as well... why do I feel that way, and what does that mean??? Have I found my one iota of "old fashioned", or am I a coward?
So, who else is facing these questions - either because you're at an end of a relationship wondering how you got there (or seeing quite clearly how you arrived), or in one where you're asking the same questions I am? I'm curious about others' take on this, if you care to speak up.
