I saw a video this morning that really hit home... and I asked myself a very similar question to the woman in the video: when is it enough? When can I just be ok? After a lifetime of trying to live up to unrealistic expectations, whether self-inflicted or externally driven, when can I just be happy with how I am every day? When am I "good enough", damn it?
This is a process in which I am forcing myself to find a level of acceptance within. Why is this public then, you might ask? Well, if others that read this are going through the same issues, they might have some helpful suggestions to make this a less miserable journey... and frankly, this is a way for my closest friends to understand the journey and keep me honest when I tend to exaggerate the negatives. That doesn't mean that I expect mindless negation or ignorance of flaws... just to make sure that I don't go too far to the negative as I hope others don't try to overcompensate with false positives.
I, like thousands of other women (and men, though rarely voiced), struggle with resolving the image in my head of what I think is "perfect" to the reality of how I look. They never match up and when I look in the mirror, whether I'm in a slimmer or heavier phase, I see a "300 pound blob" that doesn't look good in or out of any clothing. (I've never weighed 300 lbs, so I don't really know what that looks like on me, but it's the way I feel, rational or not). My heaviest weight ever was 218 lbs, about 13 years ago.
This whole thing is about me trying to come to terms with my own self-image. I've learned that what I see when I look in the mirror isn't what others necessarily see, and I'd like to have a better image of myself to balance things out. Now that I'm older, I'm also dealing with that whole aging process, and the imbalance of how old I FEEL versus how old I AM... and then there's the whole problem of how old I feel that I LOOK. What a stupid mess! The biggest driving thought for me: I'm going to be 50 next April, and I want to be happy in my own skin in the second half of my life, because I've never been comfortable to this point.
Onward and upward. I just started a new job, and had to spruce up my wardrobe. Where I am now working, the dress code is business professional instead of business casual. The men wear ties every day, and the women dress VERY nice. I don't think I'm alone in this sentiment: I HATE to shop for clothes. I wish to avoid the whole process completely, and just hang out in slob clothes with no shape because they're comfortable. But, I don't have that choice. So, I went and bought a few pieces to upscale my options, and I bought several dresses. I also don't like the way I look in dresses. I always feel like they make me look even fatter, and that they never fit right. But, when trying on the dresses, the sales lady forced me to look at my image a bit more realistically, and actually said something to me that made me wake up a little.
She said, "I don't see what you see. That dress looks wonderful on you and is extremely flattering."
"Ok, fine", I said internally, in quite a huff and not being very nice about it at all in my head. To the sales lady (out loud) I replied simply and politely, "Thank you." Then I went in to try on the next dress.
Dubious, but determined to try, I purchased 5 dresses that day, and determined to wear more of the skirts and suits I had already languishing in my closet. Below are my first two attempts at remembering that I had legs. Now, I will say, that there was a time that I actually enjoyed having legs, and showing them off to an appreciative audience. But let me make this perfectly clear - that was only because I knew I had an appreciative viewer, not because I believed it of myself. That's a very important point that I'll explain in my next post. I end the post with the photos, until the next time... but oh, I'll also say that I totally SUCK at this selfie thing, so just get over my expression or the crappy pictures. The camera, to me, is now my enemy. Hopefully I can get past that as well. From now on, only one pic per post. I had catch-up to do this time.
Look 1 - a Calvin Klein dress that I received some positive comments on from my most amazing dance darlings (thank you... I love you guys!!).
Look 2 - a Calvin Klein skirt I've had for a while (what can I say, both Calvin and Anne Klein clothes seem to fit me well and not make me cry) and a new blouse.
We'll see how this thing goes... but this is the start.
