Impact

In what will be my last post for 2009, I contemplate our impact on others.  As I go through the process of reconnecting with so many people from my past, (this is certainly not a unique experience to me - it just happens to be my blog, so if you've been reading for a while, you know: it's all about me, me, me, me, me!!  MY narcissistic little universe... MY blog!!)  I am seeing and hearing so many examples of realized effect.  Phrases like:  "He talked about you all the time", "She was my best friend in high school", "You were the only [one] that talked to me", "You made me laugh so hard", "What a cool guy", "I was so lost after that", "I always thought it was my fault", "We were family". 

Not all of those were said about or by me... these are things I've heard from and about others as well.  These are things, even after 25+ years, people remembered.  These were moments in time whose effect has endured decades of additional sensory input and still maintained clarity. 

I'm referencing moments during formative years, at an age where intensity is amplified.  We were all experiencing the migration from childhood to early adulthood, trying to figure everything out.  We were so mature in our own minds, yet so naive in the scope of the world.  Truthfully, there are moments in the present when I discover how naive I still can be (as impossible as that sounds to those that know me well).   

The question was asked last night, in a gathering of these friends:  If you could go back to those years, with the full knowledge you have today, would you do things differently?  This is not a new question, certainly.  I answered immediately, "Yes".  But I have to ask (now that I've thought about it and had some unhappy dreams about the alternate reality that would have been the result):  Would you change who you are today?   Even though we made choices we may regret... even though we chose inaction over action... even when we lived with knowledge we might have been better off sharing... who would we be today if we had not made those choices?  What lessons would we have missed learning that make us who we are now?  Would the changes have erased pain?  Would our lives be better for them? 

I would say that we would just have different pain, different problems to address, different joys to celebrate... it could be better or worse.  But, we would not be the same without those impactful moments in time the way they happened, and with whom they occurred.  And truly, I would not sacrifice the moments of my life today, the joy and the pain of them, to chase a "what if" of 25 years ago.   That's not an easy thing to say, believe me, because like everyone else, I've had some bad things happen in my life.  To be able to go back in time and change a moment of inaction into a moment of action... but who's to say that I wouldn't have ended up hurt far worse?  It makes my brain hurt to contemplate it all. 

Further, since I feel good about my life as it is today, sacrificing the friendship of any of these people as they are now... no.  I can't say that I'd do it.  Though I wish that none of us had to experience the painful things we've lived through, those events have made us better able to deal with what lies ahead, to appreciate what we are rediscovering, and to make sure that we understand the lesson for the future.  That's really what this is about.

Now that we see what impact we can and have had, it is time to realize it, understand it and do something about it.  It's the common lesson this year:  Don't waste time.  Don't ignore what is in front of you, jumping up and down and waving its arms, because you are afraid to face it.  Reach out...  Connect...  Communicate...  Consider...  Act...  Accept...  Allow...  Feel. 

Each of these words fall on me like blows to the gut when I think of the time and opportunity missed. When I think of my lack of understanding, and see that same lack of comprehension in others.  Understand that you have impact.  That's not egotistical, it's TRUE.  It's not always positive impact, but one can change that. 

If you are a good person, you probably have a strong, positive impact on those around you, even though you're not consciously trying to do anything.   Don't allow yourself to be ignorant of it, because you are likely missing out on a meaningful exchange if you don't SEE what's going on.  Pay attention, damn it.  Do not undervalue the relationships you have by underestimating your own impact on others... good or bad.  One harsh word can have just as much impact as one loving word.  A LACK of communication can be ten times worse than a truth that might be painful to hear. 

The point is - if someone does something that moves you - tell them.  If you are told about one of these impactful moments that you have caused - understand that the person communicating it has been emotionally impacted, and needs to let you know what it (you) meant to them.  Accept it for what it is... don't brush if off as no big deal, because you are then telling them that what they considered meaningful is meaningless.  Just as we would want to apologize for a wrong, we need to understand that it is equally important to recognize what we've done RIGHT, when brought to our attention.  It is validation of the path that we follow, and notification when we falter on the path.

The last bit on the soap box, since that seems to be where I'm standing:  strive to have more positive impact than negative.  Consider what is coming out of your mouth, and how it might affect those around you.  Try to make choices whose end result is a happy one... think about the effect your actions can have.  If you choose to take it further... think about how the impact you have can include others, to help on a broader scale.

I feel like I've just lectured the blogosphere.  How horrid - I'm a nagging mother on the internet.  I sort of apologize - I really just can't shut up on this - it's too important. 

These lessons are being repeated, and are hitting so hard every time I come in contact with more people from my past.  We took those times for granted, not understanding what they would mean.  I don't want the lesson to be ignored this time around, because we are no longer too young/too foolish/too distracted to allow it to happen.  I would hate to wake up in another 20 years and realize that we let the time go by once again without realizing the potential of these friendships, and their impact in our lives. 

Resolve

How was your resolve this year?

I look back at the eve of 2009, and the things I promised myself I would accomplish this year.  In large part, I think I've done well, but I didn't set the bar too high, honestly.  I promised to be a better daughter to my parents - to my mother through her illness, and to my father as he dealt with it.  I said everything I needed to say to my mother before her death, though I doubt she understood any of it.  I stayed by her side through her final hours, with my dad, as we went through the painful ordeal of watching...waiting... and letting her go.  While I'm sure I can always be better, I've definitely spent more time (more QUALITY time) with my father, and our relationship is stronger than it's ever been.  I have to accept that we are two very different people that will never see eye to eye on some subjects, and he is working to do the same.  It's harder for him, of course.  As a parent, he wishes things for me that I do not wish for myself in the same way.  I understand this completely, but I won't change just to make him happy... as he won't just to make me happy.  We have to learn to appreciate each other in spite of our differences.  

I also made the decision to open myself to love, should the possibility arise.  I had all but written that off... finding attraction in impossible situations (where the person in whom I saw potential would never love me in return), or discovering that there just aren't very many men that fit the "list" of qualities that I consider must-haves for a relationship... and then, to my surprise, I rediscovered someone.  A friend.  To my greater surprise, he became more than a friend.  How it will eventually turn out, I can't say... but I stuck by my decision, and have opened myself to its full potential.  I have hope... I am very, very happy... and wherever this takes me I will go and not hold back.    It's a very freeing thing, while being unbelievably scary... allowing that much vulnerability and placing that much trust is incredibly hard for me, but it's the only way I can find out if what I think could be, will be.  I am trying to live in the moment (which is also hard on my Aries brain), and to let things happen as they will... and also know that whatever should come of this, I have rediscovered a friend that I will cherish for the rest of my life, who has made my life better from knowing him.  I try not to drive myself crazy with thoughts of "what if, when, how, will he, will we, can I"... and I'm partially successful... at weak moments, the damned thoughts sneak in and I have to beat them with a cudgel to put them back in their insecure, control-seeking place... but overall, I'm not doing too badly.   

And now we have the eve of 2010 approaching at the speed of sound... as the first hour of the new year looms, I feel a pluck on the string of time... the vibrations sending us forward, carrying us through the melody in the symphony of our future lives. 

Since I have become much more introspective this year, I ask the question I suppose everyone else does, though in a different way:  What melody do I wish to play, and how do I ensure that I'm playing the right notes?  I think of the movie Amadeus, and the moment at which Mozart is told by the King that his composition has "too many notes".  "Just cut a few and it will be perfect." 

I look at the last year or two, and realize that I packed my life with so many things that I was avoiding living that life to its fullest.  I was missing out on some of the most important things:  relationships, friends, family, moments.  Dancing 6 - 7 days a week, working full time, doing websites, catering on occasion... where was the time for me to actually live my life?  I didn't feel like I had much of one - or not the one I wanted. I distracted myself with activity, filling the gap with so much to do that I couldn't think about what was lacking.  I would have said, like Mozart in Amadeus, that I had neither too many nor too few notes - I had exactly as many as I required.  But, that was as many as was required for continued distraction.

This leads me to my 2010 resolutions.  More a theme of my resolve, actually.

There still is so much on the horizon... so much to do... so much to accomplish.  I tend to find myself in a snowball effect of activity - one thing leads to another, then another "thing" I hadn't thought of becomes necessary... then someone comes along with a project that's related and I get into that, too... before I know it I'm under a huge snowball that belongs at the bottom of a snowman... my life becomes a whole bunch of snowman ass.  So, this year I will take great pains to:

1.  Keep it simple - don't add too many notes. 
2.  Maintain a state of happiness... do things that lead to happiness and fulfillment instead of conflict, difficulty or stress.  (this applies to me and how I deal with those around me)
3.  Appreciate the gifts that have enriched my life.
4.  Love...unreservedly, fearlessly, wholeheartedly and generously.

If I can build this melody over the next year, I believe the greater symphony being composed will be a beautiful one... rich, deep, meaningful and lasting.

Happy New Year all... feel free to share your own resolutions... I'd love to hear them!