Passion

Something I've thought about in recent days... passion. When did it slip away from me? Oh, I am passionate about many things... music, dance, life... even work. I throw myself headlong into endeavors for which I have a passion, working very hard to accomplish the goals I set.

But what about the more human side of passion? The pulse-quickening, stomach-fluttering, knee-weakening, palm-tingling, and even predatory feeling when meeting someone with whom you have immediate chemistry. I don't mean just the sexual kind of chemistry... that's not passion, that's lust. I mean a chemistry that sparks the fire...gets you interested enough to delve deeper...physical, mental and emotional. Someone with whom I can be in sync.

I'm not ready for that yet, I know. I need time to pack away the emotional remnants of my last relationship, and get to a place where I can feel strong enough to offer my heart again. I don't know if I'll magically know that the road is clear, or if I'll just meet someone that will set off fireworks. I look forward to finding out one day... and hope that I actually DO. I've wondered for a long time if I've just lost the ability for it... my imagination certainly has no trouble with the concept... but my heart isn't in it. Too much time spent guarding, questioning and doubting.

Perhaps that's really it. I think to have that passion, you have to be able to open yourself up... you have to have mutual trust, respect, strength AND vulnerability. Without those elements, there is always a gap... and if trust or respect have been compromised, it's incredibly difficult (if not impossible) to get back. Oh, you can try... but it's human nature to doubt where doubt has been considered justified before.

So, I remain hopeful in the moments when I miss having that connection with someone... when I miss shared intimacy... laughter... travel... FUN... just "being".

In the lyrics of an excellent song by Dionne Farris, "Passion":

Everything's so crystal clear now
All I needed was time
Everything's so crystal clear now
I've cleaned my mind
Now the sky has opened
There are no limits to this
Let me feel the passion
That I know exists when you're with me
Cause I can feel it when you look at me
...
Passion is with me
Touch my heart, touch my soul
Lead me into the light of a new day
Touch my heart, touch my soul
Lift me up into the wonder of ecstacy