Emotions

Welcome to my whine party. Want some cheese?

There are times when the phrase "emotional female" is far too accurate a description for me. I have been accused in my life of being cold, unfeeling, an Ice Queen, a Bitch, unyielding, invulnerable, unapproachable, uncaring, unemotional... and while I can be those things at times, most often it is simply a cover.

I actually wish that I was unfeeling. I tend to feel things TOO deeply, which is why the unfeeling mask comes down... to disguise vulnerability. I am "The Strong One". The Strong One is not allowed to crack, can't break, must maintain at all times. Being a mother, I also must maintain for my son. He has to have a strong example, to understand that when adversity hits, you can't just curl up and crumble... you have to face the problem and find away to deal with it... that's what we call survival.

In that scenario, one also finds that one must guard severely. Can't let someone get too close, because they might find that chip in the porcelain that allows them to get in and see the turmoil beneath the paint. Once that happens, well... it can all come pouring out. Who the heck wants to deal with THAT??? Hell, I don't!! That's why it's all so carefully locked away, thank you. But... what happens when it's all too close to the surface, and it starts to "leak" out? What do you do when something just hits you... a dream, a situation, an incident... that just makes it impossible to shield?

Well, when you're "The Strong One", people don't really hang out thinking that you NEED them to help. You've got it under CONTROL... it's all wrapped up with a tidy little bow, in order, in place, neatly categorized and labeled... right? Not so much... not all the time. And The Strong One can't ask.. can't stand there and yell HEEEEEELP!!! Nope.. that would be... "weak*. (Oh, I never said it was logical, did I???)

So, the last couple of days have been chipping at my porcelain. My emotions, normally so masterfully controlled, are right at the surface. I feel... raw. I'd like to be able to chalk it up to PMS, but that truly inconvenient time frame has passed and is not scheduled for the next arrival for a while yet. I suppose it's just the things I've been facing lately, building up to a boiling point... I'm not letting myself really deal with some of these feelings fully, because they're deeper than I want to admit (and I can't do anything to change them), or they are simply too overwhelming to handle in the time I have available and allotted for emotional meltdowns. *snort* Oh, I could go there... I could cry, scream, pound on the walls... throw a gloriously emotional tantrum that will turn my nose and eyes all red and puffy, give me a headache and make my son think his mom has finally gone completely 'round the bend...

...or I can move on to the next "thing" I have to do, put a patch on the chip and deal with it later, when I have no choice but to face the reality of love, loss, pain, fear, grief, anger... in the meantime shielding those poor unfortunates around me that have to actually speak to me on a daily basis from the truth... that "The Strong One" is a sham.

So, somebody tell me a freakin' joke or something to get me out of this funk, ok?? I hate days like this... they do come on occasion, and I'd really like to just get it over with and move on to the laughter. It's almost "the Lusty Month of May", and that sounds like a hell of a lot more fun. Shouldn't we be talking Lust instead of this deep crap? Sheesh, what's WRONG with this blogger that she can't lighten up for a dang second, huh???? :)