Love

It's an interesting set of questions to ask at this stage of my life, but I ask it of the blogosphere... How do you define love? What does it mean to you? How do you know you're in it?

Now, this is all beyond the point of establishing compatibility. You know - the basic requirements versus deal breakers. That's step one in the new relationship potential manual. :) Is this a good person, do you share common interests, can you communicate well, do you have that basic level of attraction, do you share similar values, etc. That all happens before any of the questions of love come up, and is a part of the friendship upon which deeper emotion is built. It's the foundation that holds everything together when life gets difficult and you're not doing such a great job of being a partner - it happens. That human thing does get in the way. We all have moments when we're not as attentive, don't express appreciation or understanding enough, aren't patient, don't see the other's point of view... it's not so much that we have those moments, but how they're dealt with that matters. Communication. :)

So - If you look the word love up in a dictionary (or other preferred source), you might see something like this: a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

If you look at what some psychologists suggest, they put a trianglular theory forward: Intimacy/Commitment/Passion; Attachment/Caring/Intimacy.


If you wish to get Biblical, then 1 Corinthians gives the Apostle Paul's feelings on the subject, which we hear often: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres."


I would have to say that my own definition falls in the first two areas. While the Apostle Paul's words are lovely, they are more geared toward the concept of Agape than Eros. This is just my opinion, but I offer this as substantive explanation of that opinion: Love is a human emotion, and therefore is as imperfect as those of us that encounter it in our lives.

The biblical verse lends itself much more toward a perfect spiritual love than a real interpersonal one. The sentiment is noble, and is certainly what we hope for, but it is (I think) unrealistic at the human level. Love is not in and of itself anything other than emotion - that verse gives it sentient qualities, which to me... exemplifies the concept of (religious) Agape more than Eros.


I noticed that the common thread between the psychologist's versions is Intimacy. I think this is a key factor in the love equation along with trust... and I would submit that intimacy would not exist without trust, but I think it's interesting that it is NOT listed in either of those triangular theories. This goes beyond physical intimacy... it is no secret that we can be physically intimate with someone we do not love - but the QUALITY of that intimacy is on a completely different scale.


The ability to be mentally and emotionally intimate is more important (to me) than the physical connection, though the physical manifestation of mental/emotional affinity is an incredibly special thing. To feel a level of comfort and trust that allows you to share your deepest thoughts and feelings with someone else... you are making yourself vulnerable to someone you are attracted to... ooo, that's scary. It means more. It counts more. And, when that part is present, it amplifies physical passion... to 11. (Spinal Tap reference, for those unfamiliar... it's one louder) This is something I have recently discovered, and didn't even realize was missing in the past... but it is so evident now that I can't ignore it.


Caring... that's a big one. Such a simple word, with such complex ideas. My focus shifts when I care deeply about someone. All of a sudden, the thought pattern shifts from what I want to what he wants or what would make him happy. Not that I don't consider myself in the equation - I'm human, for crying out loud... but when I start thinking about the other person first, placing their happiness ahead of what I might prefer in certain situations... it's an indicator. I notice that I have proactive thoughts of what could I do for the other person to make them more comfortable, happy, relaxed... whatever it might be... it comes down to consideration for their physical and emotional well-being. There is also the consideration of what impact my actions could have. I think more carefully about what I say and how I say it. I think about whether or not I've expressed appreciation for the things done for me. How long has it been since I've communicated how special that person makes me feel, how happy I am that they are in my life, etc. The question arises: "Am I taking him for granted?" The answer: make damn sure the answer to that question is "no". If you suspect it's anything other than no, do something about it.


Attachment/Commitment... I think these are going to be grouped together. There's such a fine line between dependency/obsession and love sometimes. I define love more along the line of WANTING that person in my life, as opposed to NEEDING that person in my life. While I don't buy the "soul mate" idea, I do know that when I love someone my life feels more full and complete with their presence in it. I want to be with them as much as I can be, simply because of the joy I feel in their company... whether we're talking, watching a movie, walking hand in hand, working on a project, exercising, or just engaged in some mundane task... it's richer in the doing because of their presence. The shared jokes that no one else gets... those moments when our eyes connect and something is exchanged... the unbelievable feeling of warmth and contentment when in an embrace... the desire to make that person as much a part of my life as possible... and knowing that I would do whatever I could to sustain that bliss for an infinite amount of time... those things help define my level of attachment and commitment.


Acceptance.... this is never mentioned, and is a big one in my book. The knowledge that relationships are not easy and takes work is always there... but knowing at some deep level that a life with that person is worth working through the difficulties, facing the challenges and talking through the most uncomfortable situations... and accepting that neither of you is perfect, that you both will change over time and that you WILL disagree (but that you can agree to do so) is also an important component of loving someone. I still have what I consider to be a bit of a romantic notion: that a really good relationship shouldn't HAVE to be hard work. I don't know if that's true or not... I am hoping that it is the case (and so far it is, I have to say), but it takes a few years to know that for sure, so check back with me and I'll let you know. :)


Then there's all of that gushy, intangible stuff... does my heart beat faster when he's on my mind, or when I see him look my way; do I miss him 10 minutes after we parted; does the thought of him during the day distract me too often (LOL).

The question for me through all of this: because I have been in love before and it was very different, is the difference in my own level of maturity and experience, or is it all about the person that has engendered the feeling? Or, is it a combination of both?

My behavior is different because of maturity and experience - the lessons I learned in the past have helped me understand how to make a relationship better (or how to be a better partner IN a relationship). That's different than the feeling itself, which I think has to be because of the person. I certainly am allowing myself to be more open, having thrown caution to the wind and just giving myself to the possibility - and that required a level of trust I don't think I've ever felt before. I'm told that it's all in MY head, but I will continue to debate that... it's rather a chicken and egg scenario - were the person not who he is, I wouldn't have allowed myself to be that open. That debate will undoubtedly continue, much to my amusement.

Then, there's one last take on this whole love thing... that it's just a gut feeling. You either are in it or you're not. You feel it... or you don't. You know it if you are... and if you don't know it, you aren't there. If you think of life without that person and your insides clench up and it hurts to consider it... well, that probably says quite a lot. If it doesn't choke you up... that says something too. If your thoughts automatically include that person as an intimate part of your life 20 years down the road... well, that's another indicator of a yes.

Perhaps this is all over analyzing the whole thing... but often, that's what I do. And, that's why I come out here and do it instead of making my friends crazy in long conversations. They don't HAVE to read this, and anyone can browse away from the post as their way of saying "SHUT UP!!". LOL

If you've made it this far - thanks for reading. ;-) And please feel free to say what you would add or remove from the list, and answer those first three questions in your own way.