Impact

In what will be my last post for 2009, I contemplate our impact on others.  As I go through the process of reconnecting with so many people from my past, (this is certainly not a unique experience to me - it just happens to be my blog, so if you've been reading for a while, you know: it's all about me, me, me, me, me!!  MY narcissistic little universe... MY blog!!)  I am seeing and hearing so many examples of realized effect.  Phrases like:  "He talked about you all the time", "She was my best friend in high school", "You were the only [one] that talked to me", "You made me laugh so hard", "What a cool guy", "I was so lost after that", "I always thought it was my fault", "We were family". 

Not all of those were said about or by me... these are things I've heard from and about others as well.  These are things, even after 25+ years, people remembered.  These were moments in time whose effect has endured decades of additional sensory input and still maintained clarity. 

I'm referencing moments during formative years, at an age where intensity is amplified.  We were all experiencing the migration from childhood to early adulthood, trying to figure everything out.  We were so mature in our own minds, yet so naive in the scope of the world.  Truthfully, there are moments in the present when I discover how naive I still can be (as impossible as that sounds to those that know me well).   

The question was asked last night, in a gathering of these friends:  If you could go back to those years, with the full knowledge you have today, would you do things differently?  This is not a new question, certainly.  I answered immediately, "Yes".  But I have to ask (now that I've thought about it and had some unhappy dreams about the alternate reality that would have been the result):  Would you change who you are today?   Even though we made choices we may regret... even though we chose inaction over action... even when we lived with knowledge we might have been better off sharing... who would we be today if we had not made those choices?  What lessons would we have missed learning that make us who we are now?  Would the changes have erased pain?  Would our lives be better for them? 

I would say that we would just have different pain, different problems to address, different joys to celebrate... it could be better or worse.  But, we would not be the same without those impactful moments in time the way they happened, and with whom they occurred.  And truly, I would not sacrifice the moments of my life today, the joy and the pain of them, to chase a "what if" of 25 years ago.   That's not an easy thing to say, believe me, because like everyone else, I've had some bad things happen in my life.  To be able to go back in time and change a moment of inaction into a moment of action... but who's to say that I wouldn't have ended up hurt far worse?  It makes my brain hurt to contemplate it all. 

Further, since I feel good about my life as it is today, sacrificing the friendship of any of these people as they are now... no.  I can't say that I'd do it.  Though I wish that none of us had to experience the painful things we've lived through, those events have made us better able to deal with what lies ahead, to appreciate what we are rediscovering, and to make sure that we understand the lesson for the future.  That's really what this is about.

Now that we see what impact we can and have had, it is time to realize it, understand it and do something about it.  It's the common lesson this year:  Don't waste time.  Don't ignore what is in front of you, jumping up and down and waving its arms, because you are afraid to face it.  Reach out...  Connect...  Communicate...  Consider...  Act...  Accept...  Allow...  Feel. 

Each of these words fall on me like blows to the gut when I think of the time and opportunity missed. When I think of my lack of understanding, and see that same lack of comprehension in others.  Understand that you have impact.  That's not egotistical, it's TRUE.  It's not always positive impact, but one can change that. 

If you are a good person, you probably have a strong, positive impact on those around you, even though you're not consciously trying to do anything.   Don't allow yourself to be ignorant of it, because you are likely missing out on a meaningful exchange if you don't SEE what's going on.  Pay attention, damn it.  Do not undervalue the relationships you have by underestimating your own impact on others... good or bad.  One harsh word can have just as much impact as one loving word.  A LACK of communication can be ten times worse than a truth that might be painful to hear. 

The point is - if someone does something that moves you - tell them.  If you are told about one of these impactful moments that you have caused - understand that the person communicating it has been emotionally impacted, and needs to let you know what it (you) meant to them.  Accept it for what it is... don't brush if off as no big deal, because you are then telling them that what they considered meaningful is meaningless.  Just as we would want to apologize for a wrong, we need to understand that it is equally important to recognize what we've done RIGHT, when brought to our attention.  It is validation of the path that we follow, and notification when we falter on the path.

The last bit on the soap box, since that seems to be where I'm standing:  strive to have more positive impact than negative.  Consider what is coming out of your mouth, and how it might affect those around you.  Try to make choices whose end result is a happy one... think about the effect your actions can have.  If you choose to take it further... think about how the impact you have can include others, to help on a broader scale.

I feel like I've just lectured the blogosphere.  How horrid - I'm a nagging mother on the internet.  I sort of apologize - I really just can't shut up on this - it's too important. 

These lessons are being repeated, and are hitting so hard every time I come in contact with more people from my past.  We took those times for granted, not understanding what they would mean.  I don't want the lesson to be ignored this time around, because we are no longer too young/too foolish/too distracted to allow it to happen.  I would hate to wake up in another 20 years and realize that we let the time go by once again without realizing the potential of these friendships, and their impact in our lives.