I look back at the eve of 2009, and the things I promised myself I would accomplish this year. In large part, I think I've done well, but I didn't set the bar too high, honestly. I promised to be a better daughter to my parents - to my mother through her illness, and to my father as he dealt with it. I said everything I needed to say to my mother before her death, though I doubt she understood any of it. I stayed by her side through her final hours, with my dad, as we went through the painful ordeal of watching...waiting... and letting her go. While I'm sure I can always be better, I've definitely spent more time (more QUALITY time) with my father, and our relationship is stronger than it's ever been. I have to accept that we are two very different people that will never see eye to eye on some subjects, and he is working to do the same. It's harder for him, of course. As a parent, he wishes things for me that I do not wish for myself in the same way. I understand this completely, but I won't change just to make him happy... as he won't just to make me happy. We have to learn to appreciate each other in spite of our differences.
I also made the decision to open myself to love, should the possibility arise. I had all but written that off... finding attraction in impossible situations (where the person in whom I saw potential would never love me in return), or discovering that there just aren't very many men that fit the "list" of qualities that I consider must-haves for a relationship... and then, to my surprise, I rediscovered someone. A friend. To my greater surprise, he became more than a friend. How it will eventually turn out, I can't say... but I stuck by my decision, and have opened myself to its full potential. I have hope... I am very, very happy... and wherever this takes me I will go and not hold back. It's a very freeing thing, while being unbelievably scary... allowing that much vulnerability and placing that much trust is incredibly hard for me, but it's the only way I can find out if what I think could be, will be. I am trying to live in the moment (which is also hard on my Aries brain), and to let things happen as they will... and also know that whatever should come of this, I have rediscovered a friend that I will cherish for the rest of my life, who has made my life better from knowing him. I try not to drive myself crazy with thoughts of "what if, when, how, will he, will we, can I"... and I'm partially successful... at weak moments, the damned thoughts sneak in and I have to beat them with a cudgel to put them back in their insecure, control-seeking place... but overall, I'm not doing too badly.
And now we have the eve of 2010 approaching at the speed of sound... as the first hour of the new year looms, I feel a pluck on the string of time... the vibrations sending us forward, carrying us through the melody in the symphony of our future lives.
Since I have become much more introspective this year, I ask the question I suppose everyone else does, though in a different way: What melody do I wish to play, and how do I ensure that I'm playing the right notes? I think of the movie Amadeus, and the moment at which Mozart is told by the King that his composition has "too many notes". "Just cut a few and it will be perfect."
I look at the last year or two, and realize that I packed my life with so many things that I was avoiding living that life to its fullest. I was missing out on some of the most important things: relationships, friends, family, moments. Dancing 6 - 7 days a week, working full time, doing websites, catering on occasion... where was the time for me to actually live my life? I didn't feel like I had much of one - or not the one I wanted. I distracted myself with activity, filling the gap with so much to do that I couldn't think about what was lacking. I would have said, like Mozart in Amadeus, that I had neither too many nor too few notes - I had exactly as many as I required. But, that was as many as was required for continued distraction.
This leads me to my 2010 resolutions. More a theme of my resolve, actually.
There still is so much on the horizon... so much to do... so much to accomplish. I tend to find myself in a snowball effect of activity - one thing leads to another, then another "thing" I hadn't thought of becomes necessary... then someone comes along with a project that's related and I get into that, too... before I know it I'm under a huge snowball that belongs at the bottom of a snowman... my life becomes a whole bunch of snowman ass. So, this year I will take great pains to:
1. Keep it simple - don't add too many notes.
2. Maintain a state of happiness... do things that lead to happiness and fulfillment instead of conflict, difficulty or stress. (this applies to me and how I deal with those around me)
3. Appreciate the gifts that have enriched my life.
4. Love...unreservedly, fearlessly, wholeheartedly and generously.
If I can build this melody over the next year, I believe the greater symphony being composed will be a beautiful one... rich, deep, meaningful and lasting.
Happy New Year all... feel free to share your own resolutions... I'd love to hear them!
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